Valentine's Day

Why is it that reality never quite lives up to your hopes and expectations? I didn't get a phone call this morning from B. I thought it would have been the least he could have done considering the holiday and all. We spoke last night about V-Day just briefly and I told him that he needed to check his email today. It was only after that statement that he said he had thought about getting me flowers but didn't know where to send them. I'M IN THE OFFICE UNTIL WEDNESDAY! Is it just me or did that sound like a serious cop-out? If he really had wanted to send me flowers then he would have, right? Its not that hard, just look up Accor North America Hqtrs online and voila--an address appears. Or he could ask in a round-about fashion and thereby glean that desired knowledge. I'm just sick of myself for being hurt about it more than anything.

Last night B. told me that he is going to be out for a training exercise for the next few days (5 to be exact) and that means no cell phones, no txt msging, nothing. Its strange but maybe I need this time to get my head on straight. I have a great job, fantastic friends, a good life, I love to read, to visit wineries, travel internationally and stateside and in general think of myself as a fairly rounded individual. Yet I feel myself changing, and not for the better. Who is this desperate clinging person? I'm not a clinger by nature....at least I don't think I am. But there is this sense of my not meeting his expectations, of his wanting something else--a cross between a party girl and the keep-the-home fires-burning wife. And I'm just not that party girl. I like going out with my friends but I'm not "on the prowl" and I don't dress like a tramp, I'm not throw-it-in-your face sexy. I'm the girl next door who isn't rail thin, who likes to eat good food and laugh and talk. I love to mountain bike and road bike. I like to walk, hate to run. I'm smart but not brilliant. I think life should be lived and not endured. Yet I feel like I'm back in high school again and this time the captain of the football team has expressed an interest in me, the girl who always had her head stuck in a book. And I just don't know what to do. I can't lose myself, I worked to hard and struggled through some horrendous life lessons to become who I am today. Yet, I like him. He makes me laugh, he does things that I would never dare. But why don't I feel like a measure up....like we move in two different spheres and are speaking different languages. I value honor, committment, integrity and fidelity. I don't know if I'm comfortable with a certain someone going out and flirting with other women. Yet am I just being a prude? Some people flirt unintentionally, others with intent. Without being there to see firsthand the body language it is really difficult for me to determine which category these situations fall into. I do know that thus far its all been above-board. But where does it end. The statement has been made by him that when he is in a exclusive relationship then it is truly exclusive but that flirting is just part of his nature. Is he just biding time with me till seomething better comes around? For all we talk and laugh I still have no clear idea as to where I stand. I think that if your interested in someone you say so....you don't hedge around the issue. But who am I to talk...I can't make a relationship committment to save my life.

So I called my mom this morning cause I didn't want to rain on everyone's V-Day and my mom offers clear advice (sometimes). And she basically raked me over the coals for thinking that he is any better than me in any way shape or form. But perhaps its the past rearing its ugly head that has me stuck in such a loop of self-doubt. Kind of ties back to if he knew the real me, he would probably head for the hills faster than a deer. Cause I never was that popular girl in school---for Pete's sake I went to private school and didn't step foot in a public school system until college. So my social skills didn't develop on quite the same time line as others. Yet I think I've turned out okay....I have decent fashion sense, with a tendency to wear a lot of black, simply cause it looks good on me and is always slimming. I have a good job, great friends, a wonderful extended family. But the question still arises is it enough....and how long do I have to wait for my happy ending? This thing with B. could be good, could be great, could be real....but right now I'm just confused and am kind of blue that V-Day didn't turn out how I hoped with the one I hoped to share at least a part of it with. Gawd, listen to me gripe and moan....I almost make myself ill. Wishy-Washy has never been my style. Easy going to a certain degree, absolutely. Compulsive about other things, yup. But a whiney, moaney (I don't know if that even is a word), wimp....has never entered my vocabulary until now.

So when life hands you lemons, make lemonade right. I swung by Starbucks this morning for my necessary cup of coffee...(venti van. latte decaf), and picked up a little gift for Morgane, the french intern at our office. She is so sweet and so young that I know it must be difficult to be away from home, loved ones and friends especially when you are single in a strange city. So instead of both of us eating alone tonight....I was actually going to order in pizza...we are going to go somewhere fantastic for dinner and then go shopping at the Mall. It will be fun and def. better than staying holed up in my room for the remainder of the day. Life can be good....I just need to remember to look on the sunny side.

So in conclusion......
Nope, there really is nothing more to say aside from if you made it all the way through reading this blog, you really are a stong person.. Don't take any of it to seriously and I'm going to try not to take things to seriously too.